You must become a Christian who is mature enough to marry and seek
a Christian who is mature enough to marry.
In Eph.5:25 and Prov.31:10 the Scriptures talk about the qualities
of a Christian husband and wife.
A Christian man should be seeking to develop the qualities of a Christian
husband who will love his wife as Christ loved the church and he should be
seeking a Christian woman who is developing the qualities of becoming a
Biblically excellent
wife.
A Christian woman should be seeking to develop the qualities of
becoming a Biblically excellent wife and should be seeking a Christian man who
is developing the qualities of a Christian husband who will love his wife as
Christ loved the church. This should be done before you consider marriage with
someone.
You should not consider marrying anyone if you are not spiritually
mature enough to fulfill your God-given responsibilities in marriage. You
should also be mature enough in age and life to be able to fulfill these
responsibilities.
This does not mean becoming spiritually perfect or finding someone
who is spiritually perfect. Only Jesus was this way; we are not. Maturity means
that certain qualities of maturity are a regular pattern of one’s life.
While you are in friendships with others, before you express any
romantic feelings toward someone, you should be focusing your attention on
becoming this kind of person.
Ask yourself, “What do I have to offer another Christian for a
lifetime with me? Would the Lord want to lead one of his children to marry me?”
You should not consider or seek to marry another believer until you are ready
to take on the responsibility of a godly marriage. You are not ready until you
have developed certain qualities and abilities in your relationships with
others as a regular pattern of life (I Shall mention these qualities in my next
discuss).
This is important to consider because a person can be powerfully
motivated by his or her romantic feelings. This can cause him or her to make
temporary changes in behavior without actually growing in maturity. These
temporary changes are just that, temporary. Soon after marriage, he or she
returns to his or her real behavior. This may not be hypocrisy as much as it is
the power of emotions to motivate human beings temporarily.
Although, people can mask
themselves intentionally and thus, hypocritically also.
How a person treats others in the relationships they are currently
in, friendships, family, other brothers and sisters in Christ, co-workers, is
the chief indicator of how he or she will treat you when the romantic feelings
change. Personal maturity is part of who a person is in all relationships, not
one or two.
Do not consider
marriage for the following reasons.
1. To escape "deep loneliness" so that you are willing
to marry
"anyone within
reason" that will have you.
2. To escape an unhappy home life or get back at your parents.
3. To make you feel good about yourself and/or make you
happy.
4. To help your fiancée straighten our his/her life or rescue
him/her from a bad
situation.
5. Fear of being left out when everyone else is getting married.
6. Fear of independence, of being on your own.
7. Fear of hurting the other person if you break up.
8. Pregnancy or premarital sex. Sex or pregnancy does not form or
demand a marriage bond.
9. Fear of all the negative consequences that you would endure if
you call off the wedding
(once you are engaged).
Biblical Reasons
For a Christian Man and Woman To Marry:
1. To give, receive, and enjoy self-sacrificial love in fulfilling
each other’s needs in a
lifelong relationship as
husband and wife Eph.5:22.
2. Be companions and share your life with each other Gen.2:18-24.
3. To give, receive and enjoy romantic and physical intimacy with
each other Gen.2: 24
Song of Songs.
4. Be partners in fulfilling God's plan for each other together
Gen.2: 24.
5. Be partners in providing the needs of a stable and godly family
Gen.1:28 Deut.6:4-7.
In order to follow the Lord's will, you must want to do all five
above when you get married. Many people marry to experience love, but they
don't want to be married. They never commit themselves to all the
responsibilities that marriage demands. Later, this comes back to haunt them as
they feel trapped and then want to get out.
Develop a Biblically healthy relationship which will act as the
foundation for marriage.
The time when you are considering marriage is the time to attempt
to develop this kind of relationship, not engagement. Engagement is the time to
prepare for the details of your wedding ceremony and marriage (life together),
not to see if you should get married. If you are unable to develop this kind of
relationship together, then this is one sign that you should not marry that
person or possibly anyone until there is a change in one or both of you.
Some
Characteristics of a Biblically Healthy Relationship:
1. You have a solid knowledge of each other in a variety of life
situations and
relationships.
2. You comfortably move in each other's worlds and relate to each
other's friends.
3. Your relationship is making you both better Christians and
better people.
4. Your general values, goals, and outlook on life is coming
together.
5. You understand and are committed to the “career” roles of
husband and wife as set
forth in the Scriptures.
6. You have some common tastes, interests, preferences in which
you can enjoy some
things together.
7. Your personality traits, characteristics and personal habits
are expressed in a
complimentary manner,
not a contradictory one.
8. You are able to resolve conflict honestly, openly, and with
compromise.
9. You are able to confess and forgive each other.
10. You are developing the Biblical marriage roles of leadership
and submission according
to the Scriptures.
Look at the above characteristics and ask yourself if these
characterize your relationship. If not, then work on developing them in your
relationship.
If you are deficient in your relationship in one of these areas,
it does not mean that you cannot develop it. It just means that if you want to
have a healthy relationship you need to develop it. However, an inability to
develop your relationship in one of these areas is a warning sign that there is
trouble ahead.
It would be wise to see a pastor or counselor about the area you
are unable to develop to see if it is something you can develop or something
that cannot be developed at this point in your relationship.
The main reasons that a couple cannot develop one of these areas
are often either because one or both of you are immature in this area or
unwilling to make the changes necessary to develop it.
If this is the case, ending the relationship is better than moving
on into an unhealthy marriage.
Again, being perfect in these areas is neither necessary nor
possible.
Understanding these qualities and committing yourselves to
developing them is both necessary and possible.
Once you have begun considering marriage in your mind and heart,
it is wise to give your relationship time to develop further.
Once you begin to consider marrying that person, there will be an
initial euphoria possibly mixed with fear of commitment and other emotions.
This consideration is a highly emotional issue in anyone's life,
and should be handled slowly and with caution.
There is usually an initial question of "Is he or she is
perfect for me? Is he or she is the one?
This can often lead people to begin to drive the relationship by emotion
and to move way too quickly into romantic and physical intimacy and/or
engagement.
Wait until the initial euphoria clams down so that you can think
clearly about the person and the quality of your relationship.
It is important to note that consideration toward marriage that
each person is thinking about should not be verbalized to the other person, but
kept in the mind and heart in prayers.
It is wise not to tell the other person, confide only in your
local Pastor (who will pray with you) that you are considering marriage with
the other person and again go to God in prayers until your spirit speaks to you
or through your Pastor.
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