“One of the best things I ever did for my marriage was to
make our intimate relationship a high priority. For the first 10 years of our
marriage, we struggled in this area. It wasn’t that we had any major physical
or emotional problems, but more that we were self-conscious, self-centered, and
perhaps a bit naive, especially for me”.
“For a long time, I didn’t know that sex was God’s idea and that it is a gift to us in marriage. I was surprised to see how much God said about it in His Word, and I was flabbergasted to discover that a woman could be sensual and godly at the same time. I’d always thought these two words couldn’t be used in the same sentence! But God rejoices greatly in this intimate physical union between husband and wife, which is part of His plan for making us one”.
“In my immaturity, I never realized how important the sexual relationship is to a man. I learned that sex is a huge need for a husband—emotionally and physically.
After I started meeting my husband’s needs in this regard, every other area of our marriage improved over time. The walls started coming down and the lines of communication opened. My husband became tenderer toward me and was more responsive to my needs as well”.
Things didn’t change overnight. I spent many hours talking to God about it. I learned that “the wife’s body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband,” and that the same is true for the husband.
It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband.
Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights.
Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining
from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if
it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come
back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least
expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only
providing my best counsel if you should choose them. (1 Corinthians 7:2-6, the
Message).
Another verse that changed my thinking completely was: “The
man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). I had
to rid my mind of old mindsets and misconceptions and align my thoughts with
God’s perspective.As I have given my body as a “gift” to my husband, we have both enjoyed a very fulfilling intimate relationship that keeps getting better all the time. I also feel a deeper love for my husband than I did when we were newlyweds!
Best of all, I feel that God is at the center of our marriage. I thank Him for giving us this precious gift of intimacy.
The above gives us an insight of maintaining sexual
integrity in marriage; now read below ten tips for maintaining sexual
integrity.
10 Tips for Maintaining Sexual
Integrity in Marriage
1. Get Real – Recognize that sexual temptation is
unavoidable in our sex-obsessed culture. Erotic images on billboards, films,
television and a thousand other stimulants are bombarding you daily. Being a
Christian doesn’t exempt you from temptation — the godliest of men can fall
prey to it. So the first step towards maintaining sexual integrity is to get
real. Admit to yourself that sexual temptation is a problem that you have to
reckon with. Remember John’s warning: If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves.2. Get Serious – You should know by now that sexual sin ravages everyone connected with it. What you may not know is that every sexual fantasy you entertain, every flirtatious conversation you keep up, or every “second look” you indulge in is the seed for AIDS, adultery, a broken heart, a shattered life. Get serious — if you’re entertaining lust, you’re dancing on a cliff. Take concrete action now while you can. “Lust when it is conceived, brings forth sin, and sin brings forth death.” (James 1:15)
3. Get Ready – If you really believe an earthquake is coming someday, you prepare for it by developing an emergency plan. If you really believe sexual temptation is both common and can become lethal, you’ll make an “emergency plan” for it, too. Decide in advance what to do when you’re tempted: how to distract yourself, who to call, how to escape close calls. Even St. Paul admitted: “Like an athlete I train my body to do what it should, not what it wants to do. Otherwise, I fear that I myself might be declared unfit.” (1 Corinthians 9:27)
4. Get Connected – Sexual sin thrives in the dark. If you’re caught up in any sexual vice, one thing is certain: The secrecy surrounding your behavior is what strengthens its hold on you. However ashamed you may feel about admitting your problem to another person, the reality is this: You can’t overcome this on your own. If you could, wouldn’t you have done so by now? Take a hint from James: “Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you might be healed.” (James 5:16) Find a trusted, mature Christian friend to confide in. Make that friend in your pastor in your recovery, and NEVER assume that you’ve reached a point where you no longer need accountability.
5. Get Brutal – I believe that If you’re serious about sexual integrity, you’ll distance yourself not only from the particular sexual sin you’re most prone to (fantasizing, pornography, affairs, prostitution) but you’ll ALSO distance yourself from any person or thing that entices you towards that sin. Sometimes, even a legitimate activity (certain movies, music or clubs, for example) may be OK for other people to indulge in, but not for you. Get brutally honest about your lifestyle: anything in it that makes you prone to sexual sin has to go. “All things are lawful for me,” Paul said, “but not all things are edifying. I will not be brought under the power of anything.” (1 Corinthians 6:12)
6. Get Help – Sexual sins are often symptomatic of deeper emotional needs that a man is trying to satisfy in all the wrong ways. Repenting of the sin itself is a necessary first step, but recognizing the conflicts or needs that led you into that behavior may be the next step, requiring some specialized care from a Christian professional. Don’t hesitate to seek Godly counsel if you’re trapped in cycles of ongoing, out-of-control behavior.
The answer you need may be more than just “pray and get over it!”
King David (who was no stranger to sexual sin, by the way) found refuge in
Samuel’s wise mentoring. (I Samuel 19:18) If you’re willing to seek
professional help for taxes, medical care or career counseling, surely you’ll
be willing to do the same to maintain your sexual integrity.
7. Get Comfortable – The problem of sexual temptation isn’t
going anywhere. It’s been with us since time immemorial, and no doubt it will
plague us until Christ comes. So get comfortable with the idea that you’ll need
to manage your sexual desires throughout life, always remembering that your
sexual integrity is but a part of the general life-long sanctification process
all Christians go through. “I count myself not to have attained perfection,”
Paul told the Philippians. “I am still not all I should be.” (Philippians 3:12-13)
So learn to love the process of pressing on, not perfection.
8. Get Love – “I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong
places,” an old song laments. The sexual sin you’re drawn towards may indeed be
a cheap (though intense) substitute for love. You can repent of the sin, but
not of the need the sin represents. A man who truly loves, and knows he’s truly
loved, is far less likely to search for what he already has in places he’ll
never find it. “Why do you spend your money on that which is not bread, or your
labor on that which cannot satisfy?” (Isaiah 55:2) Learn to be
intimate and authentic. It’s one of the best ways to protect your heart and
your integrity.
9. Get Grace – It isn’t the sinless man who makes it to the
end; rather, it’s the man who’ll learn to pick himself up after he stumbles. If
your struggle seems relentless, remember this: when you commit yourself to
sexual integrity, you commit yourself to a direction, not to perfection. You
may stumble along the way — that’s no justification for sin, just a realistic
view of life in this fallen world. What determines the success or failure of an
imperfect man is his willingness to pick himself up, confess his fault, and
continue in the direction he committed himself to. Remember Paul’s approach: “Forgetting
those things that are behind, I press on towards the mark of the high calling”.
(Philippians 3:14)
10. Get a Life – What’s your passion? What’s your calling? How
clear are your goals? And, by the way, do you have any fun? The man who doesn’t
have a life (a passion), a sense of meaning, an ability to play as hard as he
works — is a man with an emptiness tailor-made for sexual sin. Life is about
more than keeping yourself sexually pure, as important as purity is. It’s about
knowing who you are, where your priorities lie, and where you’re headed.If you don’t know that much about yourself, you have some serious thinking to do. Commit yourself to developing your life as a good steward of your gifts and opportunities, and make that the context in which you seek to maintain your sexual integrity.
Sexual integrity for it’s own sake is a good thing: sexual integrity for the sake of a higher calling is better. So by all means turn from your sin. But as you do, turn towards a goal-oriented, passionate, meaningful life.
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